A 'how to' guide for women who want to experience orgasms
© Dr Janet Hall
The Facts about Female Orgasm
You are not alone.
Non-occurrence of orgasm is common for women. Of problems presenting
for sex therapy, lack of female orgasm accounts for 20% of clients.
You can orgasm!
Humans are the only living creatures who can and do seek out sex
for pleasure. Therefore you are born with a 'capable instrument'
and you can learn to create beautiful music with it.
You deserve to orgasm 'for you'.
Your body is a precious gift and learning to allow yourself the
pleasure of an orgasm is important to maximise your gift. Although your
partner may truly enjoy seeing you sexually blossom as you become orgasmic,
the main reason to have orgasms is for your own pleasure.
There are Three Common Difficulties with Orgasm Occurrence
Women who can't.
You have the motivation to learn but nothing has worked for you.
Women who don't.
You have not been motivated to learn - yet!
Women who won't.
You don't think orgasms are important, you may not like sex.
Common Obstacles to Female Orgasm
The following list includes the most common obstacles to female orgasm:
1. Unsatisfactory body image (low sexual self-esteem)
2. Need to glean the facts about my sexual physiology and how the arousal
system works
3. Uncomfortable looking at or touching my own genitals
4. Anxious/tense - 'trying too hard'
5. Lifestyle too busy - never have (or make) the time
6. Head full of negative thoughts about sex e.g. good girls don't
7. Pressure from partner
8. Unhappy about your relationship
Your Step-by-Step Program to Achieving Orgasms
Review your sexual education
• Write down what you know now
• Read Becoming Orgasmic (see below)
• Rewrite your sexual facts
Review your sexual history
• Write down your past experiences
• Note your negative judgements
• Make new positive decisions
Accept your body
• Write down your good features
• See an image consultant
• Clean up your wardrobe
• Eat nutritious foods
• Exercise regularly
Accept your genitals
• I can touch my genitals with pleasure
• I can comfortably look at my genitals in the mirror
• Write down a description of your genitals 'as a flower'
Reorganise your lifestyle to allow time for pleasure to orgasm
• I have a plan for sexual 'pleasure time' at least three
times a week
• These times are my 'best' times for arousal, permission
and privacy
Relax and enjoy your 'Pleasuring Times'
• Use positive self-talk, which helps you cope with and prevent anxiety
• e.g. say "I let go of my urgency about needing to orgasm"
• "if orgasm comes it's great, if not - I will accept it and
be interested about why not"
Case Studies
How Some Women Learned to Achieve Orgasm:
Karen, 38, a music teacher, had never experienced orgasm. She was in a
relationship with a man who she loved deeply. He was very keen for her
to experience orgasm and was frustrated with her because 'he had
tried everything'. Karen was frustrated and anxious with herself.
Therapy included hypnosis, regular pleasure times, and a vibrator. Over
three weeks, Karen discovered that she could have an orgasm if she stopped
trying so hard to have one.
Jill, 29, a public servant, had been married for one year. Her husband
was very worried because she never initiated sex. Jill was extremely unhappy
with her body shape and very ashamed to be sexual. She 'heard' her mother's
voice saying "good girls don't enjoy sex". Jill was asked to
read three books about sex to re-educate herself about sexual facts and
normalise her outlook on sex. Therapy included body image acceptance,
masturbation and sensate focus (a process to avoid anxiety which begins
with enjoying sensual touch and leads to intercourse gradually). Jill
let go of her mother's negative beliefs and was proud of her new healthy
attitude to sex. After three months, Jill was much more comfortable about
her body image, was being pro-active in initiating sex and was experiencing
orgasms! Both Jill and her husband were ecstatic!
Highly-Recommended Reading:
Becoming Orgasmic - A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women
Heinman, J. and Lo Piccolo, J.
Prentice-Hall, New York, 1988