Should You Have a One Night Stand?
© Dr Janet Hall
Psychologist, Accelerated Success Centre, Melbourne, Australia (www.sex-therapy.com.au)
I was recently asked to consult with a journalist for her article on Sexual Etiquette in the 90s. We talked a lot about the shift in who takes sexual initiative. In times past it used to be the guy, who probably quaked in his shoes about how to get sex going or stuck to his time-honoured formula for seduction, who was the initiator. Good girls didn't start anything other than heavy kissing. If the guy didn't let his hands wander to her breast and then to 'down there', he was likely to miss out altogether as she didn't feel she would be 'a good girl' if she took the lead.
This old social custom was a sure bet to sabotage a relationship. Both in early days, when a stalemate could result in either partner thinking: "no sex here... next?", to long-term partnerships...
For instance, a client recently had the scare of her life when her husband of twenty-two years admitted to a ten month affair with a business colleague. He was fed up with 'always being the initiator' and had decided to seek out an equal partner. The wife was anguished. She admitted that she was always warned by her parents that "good girls never let on that they wanted sex – if they did, no one would really want or love them". She had carried that belief for their entire marriage!
The good news for modern girls is that they tend to take their lead from the women's magazines, which encourage them to not only make the first move, but to seek out sex for pleasure's sake.
This creates both good and bad news for guys. The good news is that it's fabulous opportunity for predatory men (like Dave) who have sexual confidence. The bad news is that it's a scary risk for men (like John) who doubt their sexual prowess, endurance or technique.
Dave was a body-builder who prided himself on his ability to attract women. He always picked up at least one girl a week at a nightclub who was willing to go home with him to his flat and have a one night stand. He boasted "I've never had a complaint yet".
What he didn't know was that the girls who frequented the club called him 'Bang-bang Dave'.
He was famous for his macho bed-room routine – in, bang and gone.
John was a sensitive new age guy who only felt comfortable to have sex with a girl when he truly felt that he knew her as a friend. He broke his pattern one night and went home with Julie, a really seductive temptress who tricked him into letting her come home with him with a story about having been locked out of her flat. John recalled his one night stand from hell... she bit his penis when giving him oral sex and then fell asleep without allowing him to have intercourse. He had a big day at work next day and fell asleep himself, only to be rudely awakened at three a'clock in the morning when she threw up in his bed.
The bad news for modern girls is that their intrinsic programming is to want to attach to the man they have sex with. No matter how comfortable their left-brain or logical mind is, their right-brain or emotional side is prone to wake them up with a bad taste in their mouth the next morning.
How do they get the freedom to have a good one night stand without the bad taste?
Here's two options:
Mandy recommends kicking the guy out to go home before you go to sleep. That way you can wake up safely in your own bed next morning without the bad taste feeling. You can pretend it was all a dream and you definitely don't have to hear him splutter and break wind in your toilet when all you want to do is get more 'shut eye'.
Trish recommends that you only choose guys that you never want to see again. That way you won't spend all next day wishing he would call you and say how the earth moved for him too and how anxious he is to see you again.
So what does the expert say about one night stands?
As a sex-therapist, I would urge you to be absolutely adamant that somebody you just met should use a condom if you have sex. Have no expectations of a loving encounter during, or anything warm afterwards. Since you may not even share the same values or backgrounds you will probably be unsuited as long-term lovers.
If you are a woman, go for the orgasm as soon as you can and certainly ask for what you want. It's unlikely that he is going to care about your needs. All he wants is a quick fix.
If you are a man, don't give her your phone number. You know you have no intention of contacting her again, so don't give her false hope!
For everybody, do practice safe sex and follow Mandy's example... make sure they go home straight after the deed is done. Some folk who intended a one-night stand were stuck with a 'squatter' who refused to move out!
Having made all the cautions... play safe, be responsible and have fun... after all, every one you miss out on is one you'll never have!
For more help see Dr Jan's book: Sex-life Solutions and her CDs in the Sensational Sex Series.
Dr Janet Hall is a psychologist in private practice who specializes
in family and relationship therapy, particularly sex therapy. She is the author of eight books on family issues including "Sex-Wise Teens".
Jan has created and produced many CDs on sexual issues ranging from
sex therapy with adjunctive hypnosis, to sexual fantasies and strategies
for 'sparking up' your sex-life. A regular in print, radio and television
media, Jan presents user-friendly information which can be easily applied
in psychological practice.