A 'how to' guide to negotiate sex-urge differences between
partners
© Dr Janet Hall
The Facts about Mismatched Desire
• A man's sexual interest typically peaks at age 18, a woman's peaks
at 30.
• Arousal and desire are not necessarily the same quality.
• Desire is a mental issue which typically involves a thought. e.g.
"He turns me on", "She lights my fire".
• Arousal involves having physically pleasurable sensations and is
not necessarily accompanied by desire.
• Desire is not necessary for good sex.
• 31% of couples surveyed reported a discrepancy between partners
desire for sex.
• Some people enjoy morning sex, some people enjoy night time sex.
• Some people value the quantity of sex, some people value the quality
of sex.
Common Difficulties With Mismatched Desire
• One partner makes the other partner wrong, and this leads to resentment
and bitter defensiveness --> FIGHTS!
• The person with the higher libido seeks sexual relief with sexual
practices which do NOT fit with their partner's values. e.g. pornographic
material, brothels, table top dancing.
Common Obstacles to Solving Sex-Drive Conflicts
1. People don't know how to talk about sex. Feedback and requests are
seen as criticism or nagging and result in defensiveness.
2. People don't know WHEN to talk about sex. They bring it up during sex
and either start World War Three or suddenly lose all interest.
3. People get 'plugged in' to what they think is normal. Some
couples have sex twice a week but it's boring. Others have sex once a
month and they 'swing from the chandeliers by the pubes' and
love it!
Your Step-by-Step Program to Overcoming Sex Drive Conflicts
Communication
• Learn good communication skills! Study books or take a course on
how to speak with 'I messages', acknowledge your partner's point of view
before pushing forth your own, listen empathically and don't criticise,
blame or label (e.g. "That's stupid, you never want sex")
Timing
• Timing is everything! Never have 'deep and meaningfuls'
during sex or at night. Your bio-rhythms change at night and you're liable
to say things you'll regret.
What is normal?
• Accept that 'normal' is what's good for both of you, and don't
try and compare it with, or try to keep up with others – especially
the glossy magazines.
• 'Normal' needs to be negotiated between you, based on
your lifestyle pace, and individual libido. Negotiate the appropriate
ways for him/her to 'let off steam'. It should be okay to self-masturbate
and ask for oral and hand 'relief' from your partner. Get clear
on what's acceptable regarding other practices. Some women don't mind
their men viewing prono, some women feel betrayed.
• NOTE: it's never okay to seek sex with another person when you
are already in a committed relationship. Monogamy is the best basis for
the best sex.
Case Studies
John rarely initiated sex, and Lisa was frustrated that she was always
the one to ask. John reassured Lisa that he did want to make love –
he just did not think of it first. So John agreed that he'd never reject
her, so long as Lisa was happy to 'get the ball rolling'.
Sally was happy with sex once a month, but Will wanted it every day, preferably
twice a day! They went together for sex therapy, and Sally agreed to have
sex twice a week – one long one (where she could enjoy an orgasm)
and one 'quickie' (where Will would enjoy an orgasm). Sally also agreed
that it was OK for Will to masturbate at any time by himself, and once
a week she would participate too. However, it was not okay with Sally
for Will to watch porno movies.
Highly-Recommended Reading:
Getting The Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
Harville Hendrix
Living and Loving Together
Bob Montgomery