A 'how to' guide for a woman whose man is not interested
in sex
© Dr Janet Hall
The Facts about Lack of Desire in Men
• Some men feel so stressed from work demands and a unhealthy lifestyle
that they lose their sexual desire. Sex is perceived as 'just one more
chore'.
• Self-prescribed 'stress reducers' such as alcohol and
marijuana, as well as tranquilizers and anti-hypertensive drugs may increase
depression and decrease desire for men.
• 45% of men surveyed felt that sex with an excessively sexually
confident woman was intimidating.
• 38% of wives surveyed complained that they were not having enough
sex.
• Your sex life is very important and if he stays permanently disinterested,
your relationship will not last.
The Most Common Difficulty for the Woman Whose Man has Lost His Desire
IMPORTANT NOTE!
The woman always thinks his disinterest in sex is her fault! She
blames herself because she thinks she must be fat, the wrong shape, too
old, too pushy, not pushy enough, not loveable, or he must be interested
in another woman.
Common Obstacles to Overcoming His Lack Of Desire
1. She feels humiliated, rejected and hurt.
2. Some men withhold sex as a means of restoring the power balance.
3. Fear of commitment – some men avoid sex because they're anxious
regarding the possibility that intimacy will be overwhelming and/or entrapment.
4. She tries to analyze him, mind-read and be his therapist.
5. He fears performance failure – it is easier to avoid sex rather
than have his penis let him down.
Your Step-by-Step Program to Overcoming His Lack of Desire
• Stop blaming yourself!!
• Don't overspend your money trying to be sexy and beautiful for
him.
• Study the book, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus,
so you know how to acknowledge your man and build up his ego.
• Back off! Keep the relationship light and fun.
• If you must analyze him, don't tell him! Talk to your therapist
or your girlfriends. And don't verbally beat him up.
• Don't pressure him for sex. Do touch him intensely and sensually
in ways that he likes. Reassure him that you love oral sex and mutual
masturbation and that intercourse isn't everything in making love.
• Encourage him to see a sex therapist by himself. (If you go too,
he'll feel even more pressured and high anxiety will lead to even poorer
sexual performance.)
Case Studies
Jill and Tom, married for 10 years, initially had sex 4 times a week
but Tom hadn't shown any interest for the past 6 months. When Jill served
a candle-lit dinner and presented herself as 'dessert', Tom said he needed
to catch up on his reading. Tom was a barrister and was working fourteen
hour days. He was not exercising and drank alcohol excessively. Jill persuaded
Tom to see a sex therapist and get coached in stress management. He went
to gym every second lunchtime, reduced his alcohol intake and started
coming home earlier. Gradually his libido returned and they were enjoying
sex twice a week.
Sam was working twelve hour days at a physically demanding landscaping
business. He was chairman of the cricket club which involved meetings
until 12.00am twice a week, as well as being at the club all day and evening
on Saturday and all day Sunday afternoon. The nights he was home he fell
asleep in front of the TV a half an hour after dinner. Sam saw a sex therapist
when Melinda threatened to leave him because she was sick of being a work
and cricket 'widow'. Sam resigned from the cricket club and started working
on some projects around the house with Melinda on weekends. Weekend sex
became a highlight of the week (and the house improved in resale value!)
Highly-Recommended Reading:
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
John Gray
What to do when He has a Headache: How to Rekindle Your Man's Desire
Janet Wolfe
Thompson's, London 1992