The Facts about Lack of Desire in Women
- Some women feel so stressed from the demands of their multiple roles – especially mothering children – that they lose their sexual desire. Sex is perceived as ‘just one more chore’.
- Self prescribed ‘stress reducers’ such as alcohol and marijuana, as well as tranquilizers and anti-hypertensive drugs may increase depression and decrease desire for women.
- A woman who is not orgasmic may have an initial interest in sex. But once ‘she catches her bus’ and is in a relationship, her desire dwindles away. She thinks it’s OK – after all what does she get out of it?
- In general, if a woman feels taken for granted by her man and is not receiving affection from him, she may build up resentment and this may result in withdrawal from sex.
- Your sex life is very important and if she stays permanently disinterested, your relationship will not last.
There are Three Common Difficulties for the Man whose Woman has Lost Her Desire
- Finding the right time to talk to her about it
- Not knowing the right way to talk to her about it
- Too scared to talk to her about it
Common Obstacles to Overcoming Her Lack of Desire
- He becomes so fearful of rejection that he stops asking for sex and pretends he doesn’t need it.
- He becomes so desperate for sex that he begs and nags her.
- He becomes so angry with her that he abuses her emotionally or even physically.
- He has an affair to prove it’s not his performance fault.
Your Step-by-Step Program to Overcoming Her Lack of Desire
- See a therapist, do yoga or meditation in order to cope with your anxiety about ‘will she/won’t she’ say “yes”.
- Don’t take rejection personally.
- Study the John Gray books:Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus so you know how to cherish her and show her affection,Mars and Venus in the Bedroom so you know the best techniques to turn on your woman and take time with her!
- Keep up the romance, even if there’s no sex, keep telling her that she’s beautiful, desirable and loveable.
- If she’s not orgasmic, invite her to see a sex therapist with you. (If you send her by herself she’ll feel extremely pressured and anxious and beat herself up and probably give up altogether).
- Give her time but don’t wait forever before consulting a sex therapist.
- Avoidance breeds more avoidance and you don’t want her to become sex-phobic.
- Don’t beg, don’t nag and don’t pretend it doesn’t matter.
- Be warm yet calmly assertive and talk to her about it weekly, preferably at breakfast time when there’s no performance threat.
Case Studies
Richard and Marie, married for 12 years, initially had sex 3 times a week and Marie was orgasmic. After their first child, Marie suffered post partum depression and was permanently on drugs. Marie had no interest at all in sex, even when Richard took her, without the kids, on an oversees trip. Richard and Marie attended sex therapy sessions and practiced sensate focus (sensuous touching without sex). Marie said she would only participate if Richard started helping more with the household chores and the children. Gradually, as she felt more supported by him, she began to initiate sex. Marie began to enjoy her orgasms and sometimes agreed to a ‘quickie’ for Richard’s relief if she wasn’t in the mood for sex.
Jean was a financial wizz-kid. The rewards of her job were all she needed until at 32 she fell in love with Joe. She dated, flirted with and seduced Joe until he was besotted with her and they married. After 6 months Jean lost all interest in sex and Joe was shattered. Two years later, Joe had a one-night stand at a conference and guiltily told Jean. She consulted with a sex therapist and undertook a ‘becoming orgasmic’ program. As she became orgasmic, Jean began to initiate sex more often. Joe was so relieved!
© Dr Janet Hall
Highly-Recommended Reading:
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus – John Gray
Mars and Venus in the Bedroom – John Gray
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